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i had a dream of waking up

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Monday, June 9th, 2008
1:39 am
the light goes down on the middle of america,
and darkness covers all.
the street signs, and lanterns shut off.
giving in,
to a society that would rather deflate their
own lungs than sacrifice any
convenience,
but here they are,
dreaming in california kings, bottles of
ambien and zoloft in the cabinets.
i saw deeper into me.]
Saturday, June 16th, 2007
11:58 pm - sail on , sailor.
sail on , sailor.
until your heart imposes shadows
onto the bottom of the sea, those
pieces of you, given until giving
wasn't enough to keep your memory
alive on the coasts of countries
tired of your ways.

sail on, sailor.
the parts of me strewn across the
docks of ports i no longer remember,
canvassed in my travels in search of you,
the ghost
who stole my heart and used it
like money to buy the shore.
i saw deeper into me.]
Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
4:35 pm
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

the past beckons me, with all the people i
used to know
standing before me with blank minds.
their arms stretched and snaked with
tattoos of their former thoughts.
here they are, the winners of
america,
lined before you.
i saw deeper into me.]
Thursday, April 5th, 2007
4:50 pm
If the moon smiled, she would resemble you.
You leave the same impression
Of something beautiful, but annihilating.
Both of you are great light borrowers.
Her O-mouth grieves at the world; yours is unaffected,

And your first gift is making stone out of everything.
I wake to a mausoleum; you are here,
Ticking your fingers on the marble table, looking for cigarettes,
Spiteful as a woman, but not so nervous,
And dying to say something unanswerable.

The moon, too, abuses her subjects,
But in the daytime she is ridiculous.
Your dissatisfactions, on the other hand,
Arrive through the mailslot with loving regularity,
White and blank, expansive as carbon monoxide.

No day is safe from news of you,
Walking about in Africa maybe, but thinking of me.
i saw deeper into me.]
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
8:44 am
lila downs is queen of my heart.
i saw deeper into me.]
8:39 am
i seriously never thought everything would be so hard to be away from. I can see maybe if i was going to college or able to travel more, i would be happier, but for now, everything piles on my shoulders and all i want is a normal conversation with someone who can talk about more than car engines and football.


I miss the ocean, and its ironic that it's the thing seperating me from my home.
/1/ i called you out to sea! i saw deeper into me.]
Sunday, December 24th, 2006
8:54 am - moon moon.
tonight i hope you are all in the arms of your mothers.
i hope you are all home.
i saw deeper into me.]
Friday, October 20th, 2006
4:18 pm - come what may.
i do this every time.

i love someone, with everything i hold.
& then i leave, i run.
convince myself that i am in love with
whoever i see at that moment,
but when it all comes down.
your stomach churns, and
burns your heart,
& it catches up, & at that second
you know that it's now or never.

i never though this would happen more than once.
only once before.
i didnt love any of you, but i do
love someone with dreams as big as mine,
with eyes like clouds,
foreboding, and changing.


and here i am, inderterminate miles away.
i saw deeper into me.]
Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
11:32 am - the let down.
they say people in your life are seasons
& anything that happens is for a reason.
/1/ i called you out to sea! i saw deeper into me.]
Sunday, October 1st, 2006
11:26 pm
no one has ever been able to touch me like that.
ever.
/1/ i called you out to sea! i saw deeper into me.]
Sunday, September 17th, 2006
7:43 pm - these bones.
i feel right now, as though i could explode at any moment
and i would be okay just to be reduced to dust.
i saw deeper into me.]
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
4:08 pm - they say that people in yr life are seasons, and everything that happens is for a reason.
every day, i think about the ocean i walk
on & the life i lead,
each solitay step leading closer
to where i began,
and i don't see the attraction to
beginning where i end.
i saw deeper into me.]
Thursday, March 9th, 2006
1:07 pm
i sleep all the time & never want to go anywhere.
i saw deeper into me.]
Saturday, February 11th, 2006
7:42 pm - i was truly failing
we're eighty miles apart, which can seem more like across the universe when i can't bring myself to get behind the steering wheel &
leave everything behind. I've left everything i could deep inside of you, whispering between the sheets , things you pretended to never hear.

i could see the words printed on your face with bold black ink.
i could feel the words running across you erratic heart.

but would you repeat them back? the question haunted me , while i slid in between lanes, speeding just to slow down. i guided myself through the hills, and over the bark underpasses where you had spent your childhood. i emerged with you, ten years older, trying desperately to fit your life together, around the rum & vodka, with me, who you considered beneath you. Me. drenched in your sheets, me laying still when you turn over and pull me to you. like you were the sun, and i was only the moon meant to gravitate towards you, while staying stationary in my thought, in my emotional blankness.


i didnt. & now, using my own leverage over the sun, will break free of you, & only then will you realize moons are integral for balance.
i saw deeper into me.]
Monday, February 6th, 2006
11:24 pm
you are going to break my heart;
my message is this :
The example lay before you
You knew what you had to do
You have a pressure in you
To destroy the one who loved you
The death was all around

You were hotter to me than the sun
That burned me up the day we went
To mount saint helens
And if the special death you gave to me
Is the prize i get to take home solemnly
And suffer with the fact that
I could never be your friend
I could never come back home again




please dont.
i saw deeper into me.]
Friday, January 27th, 2006
2:16 pm
this kind of reminds me of the time that i spent two hours trying to beat the 3rd level of super mario brothers 3.
i saw deeper into me.]
Sunday, January 15th, 2006
12:57 am
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best times of my life.
/1/ i called you out to sea! i saw deeper into me.]
Saturday, December 10th, 2005
6:08 pm
am i alive anymore?
i saw deeper into me.]
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
2:21 am
your skin is on my sheets, in my hair, the lighter's on the table & you've gone nowhere,
upstate, mistaken,
childhood disease & guidance.

your breath is in my ear, on my legs &
dissapears,

you've decided, you've given in,
windows open & coming home to sin.
/1/ i called you out to sea! i saw deeper into me.]
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
12:26 am
i want my face to haunt you, like yours haunts me,
through pictures ,
& fighting through seas to retrive my own self,
which absorbed into you.

you, unforgiven, &
you, inescapable.
i saw deeper into me.]
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